Facebook Memories

I used to LOVE Facebook memories. I used to love looking at them everyday and compare to what went on, look at memories of when the kids were smaller and cute, see all the fun we had. But over the past year or two I just can't look at the memories. I think it's my depression possibly, but I just can't seem to look at them without feeling too many strong emotions that make me feel uncomfortable. So I mostly avoid them unless I'm looking for something specific.

It makes my heart so sad to see the kids smaller now. The guilt of time passed and things I wish I had done differently. Seeing Mackinley as a baby and wishing I had a better connection with her. I really struggled with many aspects of raising her and being a first time parent and I regret so many things that I can't change now. So seeing those memories really hurts. I see Lucas as a baby and miss that stage so much. It was complete opposite with him, I had such a strong connection with him, and he's growing up and I can feel it changing a little and it hurts my heart. I see pictures of me pregnant and feel sad that I may never have anymore kids and want that so badly. I feel like I'm running out of time and I don't want to just go have kids and not be prepared for them, but I feel like I am not ever going to be in a good place to have anymore before it's too late.

I see pre-covid memories of life being easy, seeing family, going places, not worrying about getting sick all the time. I see during covid memories and feel how scary it was, and how sad it was not seeing the people we loved. But I also see how much time I had to enjoy with my small family here, and how we don't have as much of that as we did. I see just how much covid changed our lives.

I see sad memories of family members passing, holidays or birthdays I had with them. I see happy posts that I know were just a mask to how sad and alone I was feeling at the time. And it depresses me that I felt I had to always hide behind positivity because of the way I had been treated before. I see my life passing by and all the time I don't have anymore.

I used to love looking at those memories and now I really struggle with them. I avoid looking at them most days. But it's not just that I avoid looking, I feel guilty for not looking at them because I think I should enjoy a lot of those memories, but most make me feel really sad for one reason or another. So I just avoid looking so I don't have to feel those feelings. Can anyone relate to that, or is this just another unique thing about me?