Taking Up Space

I am sure a lot of people feel the same way as I do with general anxieties and crowds. So for once I don't feel odd, but I do hate that I feel this way at all, and I hate that others feel this way too. I am talking about taking up space. Just "being" sometimes. You've probably heard the phrase before, and I try to tell myself when I feel anxious, "I'm allowed to take up space". I interpret this as I'm allowed to have a presence in this world.

We went to a summer kickoff event downtown this evening. Getting out in crowds is always a big trigger of feeling I'm taking up space. I felt like I was standing in people's way. Or staring unintentionally. I ended up in the background of peoples pictures they were taking and it just makes me so uncomfortable. I try to turn away, to step aside, to just wish I was invisible. I'm an above average size person and I am always so uncomfortable waiting in lines or standing off to the side. I always just feel in the way.

It's not just in public and crowds. I feel like I shouldn't be walking down the sidewalk when there are dogs in yards or houses barking at me. I know the barking is probably annoying the owners and I feel like it's my fault because I am walking past. I feel in the way at home even. I'm standing in the way doing the dishes when someone needs the sink. I snore too loud at night and it's inconvenient for everyone. My chair sticks out too far at the dining room table and it's hard for people to walk around. So many little things like that cause me anxiety because I feel like I'm in the way or shouldn't be in a specific spot or area.

It makes me so sad when I think about how much I worry about it. I am a person just like everyone else that is in this world and I deserve to be here. I deserve to be comfortable with my own self, my body, my personality. I am allowed to take up space. I know how I SHOULD feel, but it's not always how I DO feel.

Just a little mini post. Our trip out in public today just brought up a lot of those feelings. And then the kids and I were walking up and down the sidewalk getting some exercise and playing and the neighbors dog kept barking at us from inside their house and it just gave me so much anxiety that I was disturbing him and probably annoying the owners, that I stopped walking. I constantly need to remind myself. I am allowed to take up space. I am allowed to just be me and be here.